Let’s face it, the Chicago Cubs are terrible at baseball. They have consistently ranked in the bottom half of their division and the bottom third of the National League for their entire existence. They are so terrible that a famous musician wrote a song about how terrible they are.
(Ironically the Cubs won the National League title four days after Steve Goodman’s death. It didn’t really go anywhere after that.)
Their current logo looks like a target, for Chrissakes! It spells their name out *all the way* – as if people *might actually forget* whose logo it is! The Chicago Cubs are so insecure that they put a TM on their logo – as if we might also forget that basic copyright laws apply to it. Their logo screams diffidence and mediocrity, and while I laud pragmatism I cannot abide by defeatism. True, “Cubs” is the four-letter-word of Baseball…for the time being. This must change!
The time has come for my beloved ursine underdogs to fine a new direction. The team will capitalize on its antitrust exemption, and purchase every gun manufacturer and vendor in America. At that point, nobody will try to revoke their exemption! The Cubs will absorb the entire firearms industry, massively increasing their profit margin thanks to their diligent and optimistic work ethic, their sympathy for people who really need more than a bat to defend themselves, and the delicious free hot dog (with your choice of up to three condiments) that will come free with every new or used semi-automatic assault rifle.
The Cubs’ new logo harkens back to the team’s roots by reusing the brown bear featured on its primary logo from 1908 to 1910. That is to say, I have improved the logo’s typeface by removing it altogether and replacing it with a bear. Pictographic logos are more easily recognizable to a wider audience. Wordless logos are a sign of corporate confidence in brand recognition, and elicit consumer confidence in return (assuming the brand is established, and the Cubs are well-known!). It also makes for an implicit but straightforward pun on the right to bear arms. Gun enthusiasts will note that the bear is shouldering an AR-15, a distinctly American rifle! This will demonstrate both patriotism and firearm literacy, further eliciting confidence and enthusiasm from the Cubs’ new consumer base. The logo’s edge remains a large blue C, outlined in beige like the bear and the gun for consistency. This C can serve as a letter to hint at the company name and its past (in a less obscure way than the bear), or as a broken circle to draw your attention toward the all-important center. It’s darker than the current C – almost the same color as the current logo’s background. Dark blue conveys reliability and trustworthiness – vital traits for a gun company! I like the way the C interplays with the gun – which is good, because the gun would not be recognizable from the same distance as the bear unless it were inaccurately over-sized. But who doesn’t like big guns, right?
Ultimately, I envision a future where “Cubs” is still a four-letter word, but no longer a mere athletic derision! Soon it will be a word of fear. A brief acknowledgement of life’s arbitrary and fleeting nature. A flash of terror through which people depart this mortal realm. Burglars, cheating spouses, and sick horses will share the solemn bond of this last thought – this last feeling, really – before they meet their fiery, leaden end.
Oh, Cubs, they will think.